Overcoming Depression and Finding Where My Worth Comes From.

I've thought over and over about how I wanted to start this post. This will be the first time I have talked about this openly and it is difficult, but I know that I am not the only one to struggle with this, so I know that I need to post about it to give others hope. So here goes.

For years now, I have struggled on and off with depression. I have always been known as someone who is happy and cheerful by everyone who knows me. I have suffered within myself with depression for years and have been able to mask it with a cheery disposition. Only more recently have I been able to share openly with the people who love me most about how I am feeling and only recently have I found peace and genuine joy within myself. 

I have tried to overcome this on my own for years and have never been able to. But that's the thing about depression: it isolates you and makes you feel ashamed so that you feel like you have to do it on your own, when in reality, you don't! Satan loves it when someone is depressed. When someone is depressed, they are keeping their true thoughts and feelings to themselves...and that gives Satan a foothold and a place to enter your mind. When you aren't open about how you are feeling, you think things that you wouldn't normally think and you may even contemplate things that you wouldn't normally contemplate and no one is able to speak truth where those lies are. This is where Satan comes in. He takes advantage of your brokenness and your vulnerability and your isolation. He creeps things into your thoughts that you start to believe about yourself that are NOT true. "I'm not good enough." "I can't do anything right." "No one really cares." "I've tried so many times and I never get it right. What's the point." The point that Satan gets ingrained in your head is just that: What's the point? You see, Satan WANTS you to feel hopeless. He WANTS you to feel like no one cares. He WANTS you to have all of these thoughts in your head that aren't true...because then he has succeeded. What he doesn't want you to feel is HOPE and LOVE and PEACE and JOY because those are things of God. He wants to separate every part of you from God...and if he can get a hold of your thoughts and your mind, then he has power over you. We cannot allow that to happen.

What I have learned recently is that how we feel about ourselves is very important because our thoughts are powerful. Our mind is such a powerful tool...as are emotions. If you constantly have bad thoughts about yourself then that is how you will see yourself. Instead of seeing yourself as a Child of God who is loved without reserve, you are seeing yourself as a failure, worthless. That is NOT the truth. Those thoughts are thoughts of the devil and things that he wants you to think because it isolates you and helps to separate you from Jesus. However, I would like to point out that there is no where that you can go, no distance far enough from God that He will not be there for you to turn to. He will rescue you from everything if you turn to Him and ask Him for help.

I had been stuck in a pit of thinking about myself in the most negative way for a long time. I would base my worth on how well I was able to do things. If I fell behind on the dishes, I was a failure. If the house was messy for too long, I was worthless. If I didn't make good meals for my family, I wasn't good enough for them. If my kids and I were in our jammies all day at home, I was lazy. These are the things that I have thought about myself for so long, that I started to believe them. I judged my worth in this life on how I did things. I felt like there was no point in trying to improve in things anymore because, well, I'd failed every other time I'd tried to improve...so why set myself up for disappointment. I wasn't even giving myself a chance. I'd failed before I'd even tried. The thing is: When you are trying to improve on something, you are NEVER perfect from the start. There will be times when you fail and let yourself down...and that's okay because that is NORMAL! What you have to do is give yourself a little grace and encouragement! You can try again and you will succeed and see progress if you believe in yourself.

I have found a way to beat my depression. Negative thoughts used to rule my self-worth...but not anymore. I am worth the effort to try again and again and to see myself succeed. I AM WORTH IT. I am worth so much more than my successes and failures because JESUS DIED FOR ME so that I could be free in Him. FREE IN HIM. He is the source of my freedom from depression. He is the one who has lifted me out of the dark pit I used to live in. I do not need to base my worth on what I think of myself or really, even what anyone else thinks of me. I base my worth on what JESUS thinks of me! What does He think of me? He thinks I am lovely. He thinks I am worth dying for. He thinks I am WORTH pursuing...for as long as it takes. He thinks I am precious. He thinks I am worthy of joy and peace and His comfort because HE LOVES ME. What I have thought about myself were lies. What Jesus thinks about me is truth...the ONLY truth that matters.

Say it with me: I am worth it. I am lovely. I am precious to God. I am loved. I deserve to be joyful. I deserve to have His peace and comfort because He died so that I could live...and having Christ's joy, peace, and comfort IS living. 

When I feel those thoughts of inadequacy creeping into my mind, I remind myself of all of the things that God thinks of me...the things that really matter. I also am learning to communicate how I am feeling to the people that love me most. It isn't easy to be so open with someone about your feelings about yourself or what you are going through, but it is important to get it out of your head. Getting it out of your head and sharing it with someone who loves you is important because that eliminates the isolation factor of how you feel about yourself. Our thoughts are powerful. Our thoughts can either empower us to achieve great things, or they can tear us down until we feel hopeless and worthless. God is bigger than this. He is more powerful than this. With His help, we can overcome depression and anything else standing in our way. 

It is a daily battle. I still get disappointed in myself for messing up again, but I reassure myself that I am worth trying again and succeeding. Jesus is my strength and the only way to make it through every day with my head held high and my self-worth held even higher because of WHO I get my worth from.

This is not about being prideful in the fact that I have it all together, because I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER. This is about accepting who I am in Christ and overcoming obstacles that try to redirect where I get my worth from. This is not about thinking that I am better than anyone else. This is about being secure in who I am and knowing what Christ thinks about me. Christ gives me power over depression and gives me fuel to overcome negative thoughts with what He says about me. 

I am strong (in Christ). I can succeed (with His help). I am powerful (with His strength). I am worth it (because He died for me). And so are you.